Prepare Thyself for Merriment - the Maryland Renaissance Festival

My friends Cameron and Lindsay Sanders invited me to attend the “Maryland Renaissance Festival” with them back in September. I had never been to a “RenFest” (as I learned to call it after overhearing some hardcore fans refer to the festival) but I felt it was worth a shot. I also remember a lot of references to renaissance festivals on the show Gilmore Girls. In any event I was not going to miss out on an exciting day of medieval fun.

When Cameron and Lindsay picked me up, there was a guy sitting in the front seat. At first I though they were trying to casually set me up, but no such luck. The guy turned out to be married so I didn’t bother remembering his name. I know that sounds callous, but I have to remember so many names that I am not going to waste my time on some guy that I will never date. No offense dude.

The first thing I remember about the RenFest is the absolute culture shock I experienced. It was surreal and that doesn’t even begin to describe how out of sorts I felt. I cannot believe how much effort people put into getting medieval. They must spend hundreds of dollars on outfits and accessories. Personally I would rather shop at Nordstrom than at a booth at a renaissance festival – but I have my own weird stuff that I do so I am not really in a position to judge. The details that go into the clothing are astounding. The whole festival carries the gravitas of a Goth prom. I left being very impressed by peoples commitment to the Renaissance. One thing I would like eliminate from the RenFest is the bad, fake British accent. It was painful…please just speak in your native accent. A good costume will compensate for the fact that you are not really from 16th Century Britain.

I guess what shocked me most is that I had no idea that this subculture existed. I had heard of renaissance faires but I never knew anyone that attended. I guess this explains all those students that liked to fake swordfight on the lawns at BYU. I also found it kind of refreshing that all these people have found a way to embrace their love of Henry VIII, drinking horns, jousting, and bralessness.

There is also a very predominate “bimbo” subset of the RenFest crowd. So many women saw this as an opportunity to wear little to no clothing. Every culture has their tramp contingent so I shouldn’t have been too surprised. What was strange is that so many people put a lot of effort into wearing so few clothes. I would also venture to say that Renaissance clothing is particularly challenging for the busty gal.

Overall I had a really good time, far better than I expected. Lindsay and I got massages (from local massage therapists so it wasn’t creepy) in this lovely grove of trees. Cameron and the other guy got to see jousting and sword fighting.

I also learned a lot about entertainment and history while I was there. Primarily:
• In olden times, all food was served on sticks. This includes but is not limited to turkey, macaroni and cheese, chicken, fruit, and cheesecake.
• People really like tricks that include swords and whips. I guess that helps to explain some of the appeal to men of the Indiana Jones series. I think for women it is just a young Harrison Ford in a fedora. Yum.
• Medieval humor can actually be funny and quite bawdy. I guess some things that are funny never change.
• Guys find anything made for a woman out of chainmail sexy.
• Drinking horns are far too expensive.

Thanks again to Lindsay and Cameron for the invite. I had a blast. Shelley was so disappointed that she couldn’t go. Maybe next year Cameron and Shelley can go to the RenFest while Lindsay and I go shopping at the Ikea near by. Sound like a good time for everyone.

Jordan

Portsmouth, VA

Instead of teaching a course, I had the opportunity to attend a course by the National White Collar Crime Center on investigating financial crimes. While I tried to attend the course in Anchorage, Alaska my boss wouldn’t go for it. Instead I attended the course in Portsmouth, VA. I decided to drive from Reston to my hotel in Norfolk. A road trip that was supposed to last about 3.5 hours took me almost 5.5 hours. Stupid I-95. I chose to stay in Norfolk, which is close to Portsmouth, because the Hilton there was offering double points. I can’t resist.

Driving in Norfolk and Portsmouth is a lot like driving in the Bay Area. You have to take into account bridges and tunnels. According to MapQuest it should have only taken 13 minutes to get from my hotel to the Portsmouth Police Station. That is not the case as it usually took me between 30-45 minutes depending on traffic. I probably should have stayed a bit closer, but there is not a lot in Portsmouth to make it appealing.

The best part of the course was the fellow attendees. I had so much fun learning from all the police officers and prosecutors in the course. We often went out at night and had dinner together. We even went and walked on the Virginia Beach boardwalk, which I must admit looked a lot better than when I was there six years ago. The statue of Neptune is spectaular. I was a bit of a buzz killer as I was recovering from a sinus infection and didn’t have a lot of energy.

Next trip – Ft. Leavenworth, KS

Mt. Vernon, VA

My friend Evan is awesome. He decided that we (Shelley, Evan, and I) needed to go visit Mt. Vernon, the home of George Washington. Luckily, I was in town for the weekend and the weather wasn’t too terrible for August in Northern Virginia.

Evan picked Shelley and me up and here is where Evan’s awesomeness really came into play: his car was pristine and he packed a cooler of snacks. Anyone that packs a cooler of snack (including waters and soda) is perfect in my book because I rarely think that far in advance.

Now I had been to Mt. Vernon about 12 years ago during my high school DC trip. I wasn’t that impressed by the place and had never been eager to return. Shelley, however, was dying to go and who can say no to that face? Also, the Mt. Vernon Ladies Association just renovated the museums and visitor’s center. Perhaps it was time for me to give Mt. Vernon another chance.

When we arrived we first went to the visitor’s center and watched a movie about George and Martha Washington. The movie was pretty good and I swear there were some actors that I had seen on Law & Order episodes. Pat Sajak also introduced Mt. Vernon and the video. It is always good to see Pat.

Evan arranged for us to take a boat ride up the Potomac. I don’t go on boats often, but I am always glad when I do. It was a lovely ride and the breeze off the water kept us very comfortable. I will admit that the girl reading the narration was not very enthusiastic – but it didn’t ruin the experience in any way.

The new visitor’s center had a lot of cool multimedia presentations. There is one theater that accounts Washington’s crossing of the Delaware. It was an interactive presentation that had falling snow. Now because I am nosy, I overheard that the snow was falling only on the right side of the theater. I was Machiavellian in getting us on the snowy side of the theater, and it was so worth the trouble.

The actual home of Washington is quite lovely with an incredible view of the Potomac. I enjoyed my trip much more this time around. I think I could have lived in that home (as long as I could modernize with air conditioning). Overall I really enjoyed the tour, except for the annoying little kids – but that is a long rant that I won’t repeat.

Evan told us that there was a restaurant at Mt. Vernon that serves colonial cuisine, and Shelley loves colonial cuisine. Unfortunately it was closed for a wedding (stupid wedding). It worked out just fine in the end as Shelley and I took Evan to Kabob Palace, which serves the best kabobs in the DC area. So delicious.

I just want to give a shout out to Evan for planning such a great excursion. I had a blast.